Breaking the golden rule, Part III
And, he said yes. I spoke with J on the phone to help me get ready. He selected what I was to wear and gave me explicit instructions on what I could and could not do with Paul that evening.
I was permitted to kiss him.
I could touch his face.
I could grope, fondle and touch any other clothed place on his body.
I could allow myself to be pressed against him, clothed.
I was not to let my skin touch his cock in any way.
My goal was simple: flirt with him, seduce him and decide if he was to be a good bedfellow for J and I or not. And, enjoy a cocktail with someone that I had begun to love. J was uncomfortable with the last part, but knew it was an inevitable outcome.
I showed up at the lounge in a black knee-length silk skirt and camisole. I had on short heels and no stockings or bra. I wore a thong, at J’s request—it was better than my usual nothing, he surmised. We greeted each other warmly, but with reservation. We had only one drink before he offered a walk. I was edgy in the company of others. How awkward to feel as though you’re on a date, with the permission of your spouse. It’s not infidelity, but a large gray area in the middle somewhere.
We walked hand in hand down the avenue, and stopped in front of the doorway of a hotel. Their façade was so diminutive; it was hard to notice at first glance. A small orange bulb lit the shingle above the canopy.
“Shall we?�?
I paused. What on earth was I doing? I can still abide by the rules, I thought. Nothing need change that. We are simply going someplace that we can be warm and comfortable to converse and reacquaint ourselves with each other.
That was the bulk of my 15-second rationalization. It gave way effortlessly to leading him into the hotel, and paying for a room for us.
And, as we closed the door to our room behind us, he pulled me into him for an embrace and wept. I was taken aback. I was thrilled and nervous to be alone with him. There was little of myself that I felt I could trust and the gushing of emotion made me feel even less comfortable in my own skin.
Moments later I had a glass of wine in hand and my shoes kicked off, lounging on the bed. We let a common sigh out, as we lay down together, clothed—and finally able to relax in each other’s presence. With countless online conversations and one sexual encounter, there was a bizarre foreign feeling in the air. Too much had transpired via email. The body needed to catch up with the mind and heart.
And, focus. Feel the wedding band on the left finger—it should be burning an indelible ring into my flesh at this point.
We lay on our stomachs, propped on our elbows and told stories for a while, laughed like old friends, teased each other like high school sweethearts. Physically, we became closer. I lay my head on his bare chest and listened to all he had to say. In a moment, he rolled toward me, now on top of me. He pressed his lips to mine and took my breath away quite completely. His firm kiss fell over me like a wave, and I felt the tingle of forbidden pleasure between my legs begin to well up.
It had been hours. We still lay talking, sharing, caressing each other. The only rule we had broken was skin on skin contact.
“What are the rules?�?
“Oh, they’re between J and I. I haven’t broken any yet.�?
“Come on. I should know, shouldn’t I?�?
“Well, we aren’t to make love…�?
“Darling, we’ve been making love all evening. We just haven’t fucked yet.�?
I had painted a completely different picture in my head, but he was right. I sat there a bit startled by what he said for a moment. Had I already shamed the man that I loved? God, what a wretch am I, I thought.
“Hey,�? he said, trying to draw my thoughts out of the darkness I was seeping into. “I love you.�?
I’d like to say I didn’t say it back—but I did, many times….
He got up from the bed and I rolled to my back to see where he was headed. He went to the foot of the bed, and leaned forward. He ran his hands all the way up my legs, removing my thong. He crawled between my legs, naked, and entered me in less than a breath.
I gasped. Our eyes met in mutual disbelief at the feeling coursing thru our veins. He withdrew to tease and play with the tip of his cock on the outer edges of my lips and clit. He moved, fluidly and with incredible grace as he teased me. I was mesmerized. Our eyes remained locked. He entered me again with great strength. And, then to torment me again he brushed the folds of my labia with the head of his cock, pushing into my clit at the top of my mound. He let the moisture guide his way back into me again. Our eyes still transfixed in each other’s, I put my hand upon his chest.
“Tell me that you want me to come inside you.�?
I said nothing.
“Tell me, my love.�?
Still, nothing. And he continued, within me—thrusting each time he spoke.
“Tell me.�?
“I can’t. I can’t do this.�? My eyes left his as I pushed him off of me. I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my purse, still muttering what I had already said. Paul was in shock.
The door closed behind me and I ran. I ran hoping he wouldn’t come after me. I ran hoping I could outrun my betrayal. If I could just beat the deception home, perhaps it wouldn’t exist.
He called once, as I was driving home, but not again that evening.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I continued to lead him on and off for weeks. I was hoping to stave off a confession to J and the loss of my marriage. But, it didn’t work. He saw through it. I lost trust with both of them in the end. And, I lost faith in myself.
Yes, #1 is a very tricky kind of trouble to find yourself in…wouldn’t recommend it.
November 29th, 2006 at 8:54 am
It is a difficult thing playing with others; it can be an overwhelming emotional game in some circumstances. A firm grounding in each other is crucial. Yes, Lola loved Paul, during a difficult time in our life. I cannot, nor should not try to contain her, curb her emotions. That would not honor our love and let it grow. I was not happy that she made love to another, but ultimately, we grew from it. I will love Lola for the rest of my days.
November 29th, 2006 at 10:44 am
As one who’s been through something similar, I applaud J’s maturity and decency. What makes the story complex is that apparently you had fucked Paul during the original foursome. While that doesn’t excuse going off to a hotel with him, it certainly makes the “betrayal” less stark than if you’d not done this with J’s approval.
Rules are something we set up for children. Perhaps mutually agreed boundaries are a better idea, though how any man can permit his wife to play with another she’s deeply attached to and not sleep with him seems naive (and I’m not faulting J. since I made the same mistake once).
I have told C. that should she ever play with another man, she should get the maximum out of the experience.
November 29th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
To think after I had built an intellectual and emotional connection to someone that I wouldn’t want to sleep with him was naive on both our parts, in my opinion.
We’re stronger in the end in spite of it…large part of that due to J’s ability to understand my connection with him was paramount in my heart.
You can pick at the word, but “rules” are a necessary evil envisioned and developed by the pair. If it was misleading to think J just gave me a set of rules to follow, my apologies. It truly was more of a discussion of what I thought the boundaries would be, coupled with what J was comfortable with.
J and I have many adventures left ahead of us and I am thankful for that.
Thomas Paine might say of him: “I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.”
November 29th, 2006 at 3:28 pm
Ah, so many years ago I wrote those words, you’d almost think it was another’s hand.
Your story sounds so much like ours, I’ve never been able to get C. to tell me whether she came with him the second time or not. In any case, it sounds like you and J. have built a wonderful relationship, and I applaud you.
Pity you don’t do “hall passes”….
November 29th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
I pushed him off of me as I was coming, actually. It was a strange sensation…a complete release given the passion we were sharing, but the worst pain I’d ever felt simultaneously.
Geography is a pity, Tom. All else is negotiable!
November 29th, 2006 at 9:25 pm
I can see why you get into trouble, my dear, you’re quite the flirt.
November 29th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Your years, though few, have taught you a thing or two of the art as well…
December 2nd, 2006 at 1:41 pm
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January 1st, 2007 at 10:03 am
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