Who’s on first?
My conversations with J this week, no doubt have been a product of my Breaking the Golden Rule. Our dialogues have turned to the other men in my life and what role they play. In asking that question, J’s wondering led to the firmness of his role in my life and what is sometimes insecurity about who he is to me.
I think we can both accept responsibility for perpetuating that emotion. I, for one, could be much more diligent about giving J the time we need to rekindle the intimacy of passion we had years ago. Make no mistake. We’re still out exploring our sexuality together, but even that has changed. A friend asked me recently why it is that J and I don’t go to the eucalyptus grove anymore, spread a blanket in the grasses, and fuck unseen by passing by cars.
We’re in the midst of another evolution of our relationship…
Another new friend recently said, “You’re sounding more poly than before, hedging about the sex. I realize it’s possible to love someone without sleeping with them, I just wouldn’t put myself in that position again. What’s that line from the Jefferson Airplane song? ‘Go away or go all the way in.’”
Paul, despite the potential for boiling a bunny, still creeps into my life. We talk about our artistic endeavors and share a very special friendship. There are moments where I feel I still love him. Trust is broken, but the companionship is still what it always was. J is very confused by the revealing of that and we have not allowed all those emotions to surface yet. They’re bubbling up slowly.
That will always be secondary though to the polyamorous relationship I spoke of before on Polyamory Party in NYC. That love is still a big part of my life. We don’t spend much time together physically or intellectually anymore, but there is a piece of my heart that will always belong exclusively to him. I cannot help that. Conversations with J about him are long since accepted as just a part of who I am. To love me, means to accept and love that I have enough love within me to give to another man, while still affirming my love for J. J has an easier time accepting that relationship because it was something I have never been secretive about in all the time we’ve known each other. I brought it with me into our new relationship years ago. To this day, we speak of inviting him into our bed, although the idea has good and bad qualities. J still lets me see him whenever I can. In fact, I have more invitations to do so than I have opportunities.
But, a part of me feels it unfair to ask J to be so accepting of these men when he has absolutely no desire to love another woman. Would I even be comfortable with that? I have an eery insecurity about it–but my personality is to walk toward that emotion and challenge it. I would like to walk with J toward what frightens us, rather than push it away from us because we know not how we’ll handle it. And, in walking together I would hope that it would provide us a little security in strange places.
On Polyamorously Perverse, Tom quotes a reader (Heidi): “people are afraid to take the plunge so they try to dip their toes. in my opinion the only way past that is just to go for it. try it out. be aware of what’s going on in your heart. take care of your already significant other. hang on, there could be rapids ahead, but it will be exciting. many people don’t get past that first or second fling: if the heart didn’t cooperate with the rules, it must have been a bad idea. what they don’t realize is that we can get better at guiding that heart with more practice. how do you get more practice? by loving more people. let love happen, and you get better at it. it takes practice, and that’s why i consider this a spiritual path. there has to be a little allowance for some growing pains.”
Now, if only J and I could avoid cuddling parties and find decent-looking paramours that aren’t separated by a large orange bridge or an entire continent…
December 2nd, 2006 at 3:55 pm
When I was a teenager, I invited friends over for a concoction I’d invented, something with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, maraschino cherries, and copious amounts of their juice. Looking back, it sounds quite dreadful and I laugh about it. But I loved it then, and expected my friends to enjoy it. They didn’t and laughed at my idiotic invention.
The hardest thing in the world is to accept the fact that we’re all different. My sexual fantasies are not those of C., and if we are to run aground, it will be over our differences in those matters. Clearly your needs and wants are different from J’s and he is smart enough not to push you too far towards giving them up.
C. has said she simply could not accept me dating another woman, unless she has to. So I am faced with the dilemma of giving up what I want or hurting her. Why is life so complex?
December 2nd, 2006 at 6:59 pm
Yes, I think bringing all of these feelings out into the open–once and for all acknowledging my love for another has sparked some interesting questions for us.
We drove to the coast today and J said, “He really loves you. I’ve always known that. I saw it when the three of us were together. I wish you could just say back to me that you know it. It would make it seem less forbidden and more like you want to share it with me.”
I prefer to think that life is complex because we are trying to live it more completely than anyone else…that’s the extent of my arrogance, truly. But, I have learned that I see love as more beautiful when all the days before me are not.
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:56 pm
I prefer to think that life is complex because we are trying to live it more completely than anyone else…that’s the extent of my arrogance, truly. But, I have learned that I see love as more beautiful when all the days before me are not.
You write with a dash of poetry and romance, and your husband’s desire to share, and willingness to let you be who you are is amazing. C. comes from the land that invented the word vendetta, and I heartily encourage your readers to sample the new Criterion Collection edition of “Seduced and Abandoned” with one of my secret loves, Stefania Sandrelli. Aside from seeing her in the film, it’s a perfect education on the notion of honor and sexuality that has a great degree of resonance in our house.
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Oh, and nice photo. Sexy, but not skinny. I prefer a woman with curves.
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:02 pm
Just a dash of poetry and romance…whew, lest you think me a cuddler, too!
I loved the photo…there is a reality to it that might be much like what J and I are about to encounter.
December 4th, 2006 at 11:24 am
is a reality to it that might be much like what J and I are about to encounter.
You’re such a tease. Now you’ve got me wondering who the lucky person(s) are?
December 4th, 2006 at 11:54 am
In talking about the reality of things I was referring to the imperfections that all of us have, and the reality of sensual curves and shapes that are inherent in most of us…
We have no female companions right now, save a couple that we play with occasionally. We both like the wife of the couple very much. There’s my Christmas wish–a woman reminiscent of my long ago red-headed female friend. How I’d love to relive those moments.
December 4th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
Please regale us with tales. I’m sure there are opportunities for others to fill your Christmas stocking, though I suspect you fill out a pair of stockings very nicely based on your avatar.
December 4th, 2006 at 3:02 pm
I have many tales to tell, no worries. All will be told in time. Of course, that might eventually be hard to actualize as I plan on having tales to tell right up until my last breath. I suppose now would be a good time to revise my wish to includ having time to TELL all tales before I expire!
December 4th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Life winds down, now is the time to play. But as Sheherazade proves, a good tale (to go with a good tail) is life-lengthening.