Call It Arm-Twisting
At the New Year’s party, the sound on the air was Paul and the aroma was lust (as cliche as it sounds). Walking into Marc’s home and seeing Paul, dressed Cash black, eyes closed, serenading the blossoming crowd–I had to catch my breath. J’s hand pressed against the small of my back and pushed me into the room as he gave a hearty “hello” to our friends. J and I remained close. J told me later that I was the subject of his gaze all evening. He watched my breath cease when Paul came close, in conversation or in song.
After a few cocktails, I could stand it no more. I had no more space in me for the lust. I grabbed J, probably not as subtly as I should have, and led him to the master bath. I sat on the counter, lifted my skirts and pulled him into me…We didn’t speak.
After we came, in a sweaty, half drunk haze, he said, “Tell me at least that you didn’t wish I was Paul then.”
“I didn’t. I don’t. I–”
“I love you. I don’t know if this is right for us–if Paul is right for us. But, I know that I love you enough to try.”
I sat silent.
“I want to know that you love me enough to back out of it, of loving him, if I can’t stand it.”
“Yes.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mr. Paine writes: “Is J. in pain from your “Core Ingrata?” C. said to me this PM “we’re closer than ever, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain at the thought of you being in love with another woman.�? Does J allow you your wanton ways, and even encourage them because he doesn’t dare oppose your restless spirit?”
From J: Tonight, I got home from quite a long day to find Lo waiting for me in the garage. Her naked body was illuminated by the headlights from my car as I pulled in. She had been on the back terrace, firepit blazing and her in nothing but a silk victorian robe but it was way too cold. She led me thru the gate and back out to the patio. We barely spoke. I nuzzled up to her, resting my head on her legs propped on the cafe table. Her skin was still warm. She confessed that she had been out there for a few minutes and was exhausted, but still horny. I knelt between her legs, licked and teased her clit and then her nipples. I carried her scent and moisture to her lips and kissed her deeply. I helped her to her feet and leaned her over the cafe table. I entered her. She laughed that the marble table was cold underneath her as I pushed my cock into her. We didn’t stop until I came. Lo was freezing. Her moment would be inside under the heavy comforter later. She shivered her acceptance of that.
We walked back in, arm in arm. And she said, “You know, with you working on Saturday we won’t have much time together this weekend.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that. I can’t get out of it.” It is our weekend without kids and normally we spend the majority of it in bed or in our garden. (Too much time in the garden on Saturday means WAY more time in the bed on Sunday–We’re getting old!!!) But, not this weekend.
“I don’t want to play with Paul this weekend.”
“What? You’ve planned it with him already.” I paused and looked at her. “This isn’t because you think I’m uncomfortable with it, is it?”
“No, actually it’s not. I just know I have only a few hours with you. I’d rather not chance it on an experience that I don’t KNOW if it will go well. Let’s say it doesn’t. Then we spend the remaining few hours together talking about it and rehashing it. Then, we don’t have a minute that actually belongs to us!”
My thought, before I said anything to her: She really does love…me. God, I love her.
And that, BS fans, is the reason that she and I make it thru swells of passion and love. We ground each other. And even the dull, dumb moments that we spend recovering from gardening injuries in a darkness of our bedroom are better than the sex we may have with others.
Will we play with Paul this weekend? Don’t know yet. We’ll talk about it first and let you know.
If anyone has concerns about J’s health and happiness, post them. Jay reads the blog and would love to hear from the guys and gals in “his corner.” But, beware, I sit in that corner too…though he and I may flit from corner to corner sometimes, enjoying other lovers–we always know where home base is.
January 4th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Very beautiful and personal. This should be your Sugasm submission. And the photo is divine, please tell the world it is you, dear Lola.
January 4th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Thank you, Tom. J’s probably the one to thank for this post–his voice.
January 4th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Well understood by me is the fact that J and Lo are each other’s first and deepest love. I am welcomed into their lives (and bed) once again through the grace of J. I share with Lo a relationship very different from her marriage with J. She loves us both, but her “home base,” as she said, will always be with J. I respect that and am honored that they feel enough trust and love to bring me as close to them as they do. Lo is the fulcrum–the keystone of this bridge between the three of us, the reason for its existence. There is developing, through our mutual love for Lo, an understanding that J and I are, in a very real sense, connected as well. This awareness creates within the three of us a mindfulness of each others’ needs. We are becoming caretakers of each others’ hearts, even as our own hearts grow to encompass the amazing beauty we are creating together. It is irrelevant whether we play together on any given evening. What is relevant is that Lo and J are very dear to me and the happiness and well-being of their marriage is among my greatest joys. Lo was right, Tom. Polyamory is work. I would add that the greatest part of that work is the effort it takes to be truly honest with yourself and those you love while simultaneously opening your mind and your heart.
January 4th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Seems like I should license out the name of my blog to Lola, who evidently is achieving something closer to real polyamory than most of its adherents could hope for. Congratulations to all three of you, and may your conjoined journey be as wonderful as is humanly possible. Lola is a lucky woman, but I think both men are equally lucky. And with that, I’ll say no more.
January 4th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Well, I can’t get this sentence out of my head, so I’ll write it to amuse myself: “Since everyone is on the same page…” It seems as if the debate for the moment about J’s happiness is closed. We’re likely to encounter bumps along the way. All of this is truly metaphorical and maybe even naive of us since we have not shared a bed yet…That will happen Saturday, unless I get cold feet about it.
Your blog is important to the discussion of polyamory, Tom. Since I began reading it months ago, it brought to the surface many emotions and wishes that I’d kept quiet…don’t be too quick to rid yourself of the name.
January 4th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
A lovely entry! Have enjoyed reading about your on-going journey through the beauty of your well-written words.
January 4th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Thank you for the praise. It is well-received, to be sure.
The trouble in articulating some of this is that the emotions coming out are the one’s clearest to me. There are myriad things beneath the surface that need voice as well. None less important, just buried a little deeper. All in good time, no?
January 4th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
You write from the heart of your life and articulate emotions well. Would that I could write as well as you. That the 3 of you find joy together is wonderful. I wish you continued joy - not all outside loves do honor to the primary relationship. Dispite good intentions and well meaning thoughts, sometimes they just simply hurt.
January 4th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
With great passion in my life has also been incredible pain. Sometimes the two were intertwined (or responsible for each other) and sometimes not. Nevertheless, the hurt has made the euphoria more pristine.
When it comes to honoring a primary relationship, it’s quite a narrow tightrope to walk. Requires a slow gait, temperance of a fast moving heart.
But, I’m waxing poetic. Sometimes, it just takes an amazing fuck to reconnect two longtime loves in the midst of a new one. J and I were pleased to have one of those last night and as a result, I can’t get him out of my head today.
January 4th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Indeed, great passion and incredible pain are often halves of the same whole. While I agree that hurt can make euphoria more pristine, for someone on the outside, it is often just hurt without the benefit of the euphoria.
Amazing love making can do amazing things, but it’s too simplistic to say that that’s all that it sometimes takes to reconnect two longtime loves in the midst of a new one. An amazing fuck cannot make unshared new loves shared, cannot remove the Otherness of the new creation, and cannot reconnect the trusted promise of All Things Shared.
January 4th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
I didn’t mean to imply “that’s all it takes”…but lovemaking (in my experience) is the ripple in the pool to a deeper connection and mindfulness of the primary relationship that often follows from the sex. The pillow talk, sharing, and intimacy gives rise to the other things worth knowing and sharing.
Who am I to give advice anyway…I am simply sharing what is working in my circumstance. Certainly, every time you change the players you change what works.
January 5th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
It’s wonderful to read about your and J’s life journey. You write with great style, humor, deep feeling and irony.
You wrote: “every time you change the players you change what works” a position I agree with completely. Sometimes one doesn’t get to change the players proactively. And then, one is left to react both to the unexpectedness as well as to the unsharing of a path that had been otherwise promised.
New-found,unshared intimacies, by definition, do not give rise to “other things worth sharing”, except sadness. And how can that honor one’s existing love?
January 5th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
As I said before, I’m lousy at giving advice. But, lie down on the couch if you want…I’m good at other things.
I would recommend a “cease and desist” on all activity if you feel like something is compromised in your primary relationship. Surely nothing is so important that a request like that can’t be honored…
September 2nd, 2007 at 7:33 pm
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November 19th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Of one thing I am certain, the body is not the measure of healing - peace is the measure.