Restless cravings
A new friend told me yesterday that he detected “a great deal of restlessness�? on my part. Which makes me think, either it was a lucky guess to see that. Or, I wear my stirrings on my sleeve. They are not as veiled as I might hope.
I make no secret that I have had many lovers in my life, nor that my sexual awakening came at a time that I had promised to be monogamous to a man I loved. It was a great betrayal, with great consequence. But, I was not restrained. Judge as you wish that statement, but it is true.
I roped myself too quickly to the social ties that would bind, seeing them as a checklist for status in the adult world. College, check. Relationship, check. Child, check. Unhappiness, check. Undiscovered soul and sexuality, double check.
Long ago, I found myself with another restless lover. He and I are kindred spirits in many ways. I still love him with all that I am. He was a part of my great awakening. He was also a source of strength when I had no one else around me. Some of these things, he would most likely shake his head at. For, more than exhibiting these things, he just embodied them plainly to me. Still, I have never been so naive as to wish a life with him. It causes me great pain to see that written, and I most often dismiss the thought immediately when it occurs to me. But, our soul’s songs would fly about too much for any peace, I fear.
I watched Steve Martin’s Shopgirl last night. The book took a slightly different take, but the last few lines rang true to what I felt I lost as that relationship ended:
“How is it possible to miss a woman he had kept at a distance so he wouldn’t miss her when she was gone?�?
“Only then does he realize how wanting part of her, and not all of her, had hurt them both…�?
And for that reason, I treasure what J and I have. From the beginning, J has loved and accepted (not tolerated) my restlessness. For that reason, I am closer to him than any other ever has been. I feel naked and seen before him in a remarkable way. And that metaphorical nakedness enhances who we are sexually to each other. There is no part of the dark sexual recesses of my mind that I need fear hiding from him. He could hear all and embrace them as my thoughts and desires. In some cases, he has even graciously helped me live them as I wished to.
So, yes, I am still restless. It is a fire within me that will never be extinguished. But now, it is nurtured in such a loving way that its manifestation can be seen as a great sexual current that courses through everything I undertake. It is a passionate life that I lead, and a restlessness only to watch it burgeon as years pass.
intimacy, sex, relationships, sexual exploration, restlessness
December 11th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Although it shouldn’t be, it is surprising to me sometimes how sex and the soul are often so very seperate. I’ve had lovers who embodied everything related to sex. We explored, tested limits, discovered, and nearly got arrested. We even loved. Yet in the end, the most soulful relationship is the one I remember most fondly, even though by comparison, there was little sex. It was all by accident really, her self-insertion into the depths of my soul, completely unintended and also unexpected. It’s there that she remains, even though so much time has passed since I’ve last seen her. I anticipate it’s there that she’ll always remain.
You have one-upped me, by finding (and keeping) in J both the soul and the sex. Maybe one day I’ll be so lucky.
December 11th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
There are myriad things to do sexually, which are not separate from the soul, but satisfy different pieces of it. At least from my experience, even the most debauched experiences have some place in the recesses of who I am and are a part of my soul.
But the experience that you speak of is, by far, the most unique to find. I hope she knows that she was/is that to you. Wherever life finds her, it may be comforting to know a piece of her still rests within you.
December 11th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
I wish you all the best and happiness in the world, as restlessness is a terrible burden.
December 11th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
Yes Lola, you’re right. So often I assume that of course she would know, but how would she if I never told her?
December 11th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
Well, I made a huge assumption that you would still be in contact with her in some way. If you aren’t, your thoughts are enough, I’m sure.
December 11th, 2006 at 4:08 pm
Somehow, through some strange alignment of the stars, I am still in contact with her, a few times per week, by the most unexpected medium. Last I saw her, I stood with her on the waterfront, fighting to keep my hands off of her. And who would have thought that we would ultimately come closer together while remaining so far apart. What a strange place, this world.
December 21st, 2006 at 11:20 pm
[...] Nathaniel - 6′2″, 43 years old, single, salt and pepper dark brown hair (my weakness), dark green eyes. He was selected after much discussion between J and I. He resembles with frightening similarity the love from Restless Cravings that I spoke of. It’s staggering actually. I’ve made a promise to J not to concentrate on Nathaniel for that reason. That was a strange promise to make… [...]
December 22nd, 2006 at 1:42 am
[...] “Long Relationships” - Tom has accused me of being the “boring” writer (sorry, Christina–Tom’s words, not mine) over on this site. Truth be told, I’d be awful at writing that blog. Long relationships are not my forte. I’m much better at the restlessness (see Restless Cravings). [...]