Between the Sheets

One of my dear friends and her husband have been contemplating sexual encounters outside of their marriage bed. The more that I talk with them about it, the more I think that they are far too caught up in labeling what they are interested in doing before they do it. Is it polyamory? Is it swinging? Is it an open marriage?

To me, a preconceived definition is the equivalent of standing at the edge of a pool and arguing over whether it is heated. You have absolutely no idea until you’re knee-deep in it.

Admittedly, there should be an extraordinary amount of caution when bringing any new kind of sexual experience into a monogamous relationship. The intent should always be to enhance. And if at any point it doesn’t favorably stimulate the bond you have in your primary relationship, then you should get out of the pool altogether, towel off and wait for the thunder and lightning to cease.

Take a good, long look at first tendencies. Unless you realize where your gut is predisposed, you’re not able to find your way out of it. Even if you don’t find your way out, or have no desire to, it’s good to clearly articulate where you both stand. Could you stomach watching your spouse’s intimacy with another partner? Do you tend to wish for total disclosure with your spouse? Do you want to tell them everything about your sexual encounters?

Those first tendencies can evolve, but both of you must want/be capable of it. If one of you is happy with the way things are, you may not experience growth by pushing your partner into the pool. They’re likely to just climb out wet and pissed off, ready to smack some sense into you for being such a knucklehead. Ultimately, my advice for good fucking within a monogamous relationship is to uncover the wants/needs of both people. If disparate needs surface, that’s ok. There is still space to nurture everyone’s wants, so long as the first desire is to maintain a healthy primary relationship.

The only thing that labels have ever done if make people feel like there is an inability to step outside the boundaries of those defintions. In some cases, they may even feel as though they are restrained by the label they adopt. J and I take things from swingers, from polys and from our vanilla friends. And, have built a great balance of what works for us.

If in five years or five seconds, J feels like we should throw all of that out the window, I would.

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